Welcome to my story. I’m so glad you’re here! There are 13 posts in this series, and I will update the links as I post them:
- Memories of Divine Light
- Remembering: El Shaddai
- Descent into Darkness
- Brush with Death
- Visions of Glory and Bliss
- Miraculous Healings
- Chasing Supernatural Experiences
- When my World Caved In
- Understanding: It’s All About Love
- Rebirth Into Divine Love
- You Are Eternally Loved
I invite you to come along with me as I share my memories of brilliant light and unbelievable love, my descent into darkness and depression, and my reconnection and rebirth into Glorious Love. Mine is a story of supernatural experience intermingled with beautiful and broken humanity, the story of a spiritual awakening, of finding and reconnecting with a love I forgot existed, the story of an explosive, incomprehensible light that fills, awakens, heals, connects, animates, empowers, and spills out of every crevice of your being. This is part 1 of my story.
My earliest memories are of God.
I remember a place of warmth and light, where all was right and I was eternally loved. It seemed as if I was passing back and forth between two realms. One moment I was swimming in a cosmic ocean of love and the next I awoke in my parents’ arms. As I would shift from one reality to the other, it seemed as if the second was a manifestation of the first. My parents’ arms were an extension of the love, just in a different form: physical rather than spiritual.
I remember lying in my crib at night, with a presence above me, below me, and surrounding me on all sides. This presence loved me more deeply than I can begin to describe, and I rested in this love. In fact, to this day, I can’t think about the depth and intimacy of this love without tears. And at this early point in my life, before being shaped by sins and mistakes, guilt and shame, doctrines and dogmas, I accepted this love without question. I recognized it, knew what, and more importantly, who it was. I knew I had come from this love, that I was a part of it.
This presence was what I later learned to call “God,” but at the time it was much more than that title can begin to convey. It was my eternal father, the one who knew me, loved me, and held me securely, the one from whom I had been born, the one who had nurtured me, the one who had sent me here with a purpose to fulfill. I knew and felt this presence permeating the physical world, in the rustling of the trees, the whispering of the wind, the song of the birds, the sunshine on my face, my dad’s deep voice, and my mom’s soft touch.
I clearly remember being snuggled in my dad’s lap and associating him with the ocean of love which I had known before. From a very early age, my father’s arms became the most direct representation of God in this world. I came to see them almost as one and the same thing.
During this time of my life I had many other-worldly memories which were at the same time less concrete and far more vivid and heart-wrenchingly real than anything I have ever experienced here. Far more intense than anything that could be imagined, dreamed, or hallucinated, these memories are the stuff of who and what I am deep deep deep inside.
I remember being in a different place, surrounded by beings made up entirely of light. In that place the light was also love and joy and innocence; they were all one and the same thing. Childlike joy, white-hot purity, and laughter made up our existence there. Love was something tangible, the substance that the universe was made out of and the most powerful energy of all. Jesus was among the beings of light, and there were also what in this world we call angels. The angels were considered powerful warriors, but they did not use destruction to defeat evil. Instead, they overcame the evil in the universe with love and healed twisted hearts with living light.
I remember an ocean of this living light. This light is not light like we see with our human eyes. This light shines millions of times brighter than the sun and would consume any physical form in its presence. In this light is ecstasy beyond ecstasy, a fullness of joy that would be unbearable to us in our human form. In this light was a knowingness that all was well and that every single soul was deeply, unfathomably loved. This light was not just light, but a presence – the Presence out of which all else had come into being.
I have several different memories of this light. I remember being caught up in it like a holy storm, tossed from wind to wind. I remember being in its center as it exploded out around me, creative potential and infinity unfurling in every direction. Finally, I remember swimming in its stillness, like an eternal sea of endless possibilities, completely captivated by the bliss and rapture of infinite love. I remember leaving the light, watching it get smaller and smaller, descending down a dark tunnel, and experiencing the pain of separation, of individuality, of need and emptiness. I remember knowing why I was leaving and what I had to do, although now I do not remember the details.
I have since discovered that my memories are very similar to the experiences of millions who have had a phenomenon known as “near death experiences.” In a near death experience, or NDE, a person dies for a time and is revived. They return from physical death to report identical experiences to what I have just described.
I was too young when I first remembered these things to be able to place them in a time-frame. I remembered them very early on, and then they faded quickly, returning to me little by little later in life as circumstances triggered their memory. Did they happen before my birth? Did I leave the physical plane at some point and return like someone who has had an NDE? If so, it was too early for me to know.
What I do know is that these memories are like fingerprints on the deepest part of my soul and they have called to me my entire life, like a chord that attaches me to my Source. I cannot place exactly when they happened, I just know they are more real to me than anything in this physical plane of existence, and that they are the reason I exist and the reason for everything I have ever done.
I spent many many years trying to satisfy the hunger and neediness that resulted from my separation from that glorious, beautiful, infinite Light. This is a separation that we all feel, even though most of us don’t remember what we are missing. It is my belief that all the problems in the world and in our hearts stem from this separation.
My entire life has been a search for what I lost, for what we are all missing in our souls. My entire life has been about trying to find the answers. What is out there, just beyond our ability to sense in these physical bodies? Where did we come from, who are we, and what are we doing here?
Join me as I tell you my story of discovery over the next 12 weeks. My story includes heartache, depression, confusion and pain. But it also includes healing, remembering, understanding, and a rebirth into Glorious Light.